Just Close Your Eyes
by seducemymind
Summary: Katniss returns to District 12 after murdering Coin. Peeta also returns to District 12 but things between him and Katniss are not the same as they once were. Is it possible for them to repair the damage done by the Capitol? And does Peeta even want to?
1. Chapter 1

**Just Close Your Eyes**

**Chapter One**

I open the medicine cabinet and grab my bottle of pills then close it with a click. I always begin my morning routine by staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. I trace my fingers over the burned skin on my shoulder. My skin grafts are healing nicely. Where my skin used to be inflamed with a red patchwork quilt design, it is now uniform in colour. The scarring is minimal but still noticeable to everyone who knows me. My hair is much shorter than it once was but I still keep it braided and hanging over my right shoulder. I doubt I will ever cut it again.

I am skinnier than I should be, or so Greasy Sae tells me. I can never eat enough to satisfy her. My eyes are the worst, hollow and bloodshot with dark purple bags hanging under them. I cannot look at myself for too long, it is a constant reminder of all I've lost. I finally pop open the pill bottle and swallow two pills chasing them with water I gulp straight from the tap. Standing up again I close my eyes and breathe deeply. That's better.

When Haymitch first returned me to District 12 I spent the whole week in bed crippled by sadness. All I could bring myself to do was cry and sleep. Greasy Sae came over for meal times and tried to feed me but I couldn't keep anything down. As soon as she would leave I would rush to the bathroom and vomit everything up. Haymitch didn't even try to visit. He preferred solitude and returned to drinking.

Gale took a job in District 2, and in a way I was relieved. I think he knew I would never be able to love him after what happened with Prim. Still I fondly remembered the old Katniss and Gale and our way of life before the games. I mourned the loss of that life. My mother never returned to District 12 either. She moved to District 4 to help set up a new hospital.

We were never close but I still felt betrayed. Prim was always her favourite. I didn't blame her, Prim was everyone's favourite. Living in this house was a constant reminder of Prim and returning would only bring my mother to the catatonic state she was in after my father died. She was doing what she had to do to survive. We all were.

After the first week I eventually dragged myself out of bed and over to my dresser. In the top drawer someone had placed my belongings. I picked up the locket Peeta had given me during the second games and opened the catch before gazing at the photos inside. He said they were the people who would make my life worth living when I returned home. One of them was dead and the other two might as well be.

I closed the locket and dropped it in the garbage pail beside my bed. I was about to close the drawer when I saw the pearl roll to the front. I picked it up and rolled it between my fingers. I did not bring it to my lips. Peeta had not returned to District 12 either. The last time I saw him he had tried to stop me from killing myself after murdering Coin. He wanted me to suffer. I deserved it.

I put the pearl back in the drawer and closed it with a bang. I was suffering. Everything was taken from me. That's when I decided to take the pills that Dr. Aurelius prescribed me. That was two months ago. Eventually I open my eyes. The world is growing hazy around the edges and I can't feel a thing. The pain I've been feeling is someone else's pain not my own. I float through the hallways and continue my morning routine.

I walk toward Prim's bedroom and open the door. A thin layer of dust coats the light blue room. I fluff the pillows on her bed as if she will return tonight to sleep on them. On her vanity hair ribbons are lined up and sorted by colour. I finger them lovingly and place them back in their places. I pick up her hairbrush and after undoing my braid I brush my hair slowly. I do not notice the time passing but I hear Greasy Sae calling me from downstairs.

I never take anything out of Prim's room. Everything must stay in its place, exactly how she left it. I ignore Sae and continue on to my mother's room. It is on the opposite side of the hallway and it is a darker shade of blue than Prim's room, I think about the similarities between my mother and Prim, how they both picked blue rooms and left me with the dark green one.

I do not fluff my mother's pillows instead I go over to her shelves. There is a picture of her and my father from their wedding day. I pick it up and use my fingers to wipe the dust away. They are both smiling up at me and I think about how I haven't seen a genuine smile from anyone in a long time. The pills make sure these feelings do not bother me. I can make observations but I do not get to feel. Greasy Sae calls me again so I place the frame back on the shelf and make my way downstairs.

Sae's granddaughter is sitting at the kitchen table eating some runny eggs and some kind of meat. I haven't been hunting so I wonder where the meat came from. A plate is prepared for me so I take my place at the table. I can feel Sae's eyes on me but I don't look up. No one talks until finally Sae suggests I visit Haymitch or call my mother. I do not respond to her suggestions. After she leaves I do not vomit up my breakfast. The pills are also good for helping me keep food down. I have gained some weight back but I don't eat a lot to begin with. I am still too thin.

Something that the pills do not help with are my nightmares. Dr. Aurelius gave me sleeping pills as well but I quickly discovered that they only made the nightmares worse and harder to shake off once I did wake up. Every night I dream of the games, of Prim, of Rue, of Peeta strangling me like he tried to do in District 13. Because of this I am sleep deprived. Most nights I sit awake, watching television. I watch all the garish programmes that the Capitol airs.

The ending of the Hunger Games has forced the Capitol to start airing a variety of new programmes hoping to provide new forms of entertainment for the residents. Most nights I fall asleep to a woman bearing a striking resemblance to Effie ramble on about the latest Capitol fashions, all which disgust me. Even though the Capitol was overthrown it still remains the birthplace of the latest trends known to Panem.

I walk over to the couch and turn on the television. They are airing an update about the rebuilding of the Districts. I watch for awhile but start to feel my eyes grow heavy and I lay down on the couch, resting my head on a throw pillow. I fall asleep just before Gale makes an appearance to talk about his work in District 2.

Hours later when I wake up I realize it must be dinner time because Sae is back and banging around in my kitchen. I have slept for hours with no nightmares, a sign of how exhausted and worn down I have become. I enter the kitchen just as Sae is spooning some sort of stew into a bowl. I never complain about the food. She doesn't have to be here, she is doing me a favor.

Again we eat in silence. This time she does not make any suggestions. I can tell she is getting frustrated with my behaviour. I feel guilty, but not guilty enough to apologize or start a conversation. I was never good at that on my best days. Sae leaves right after dinner and I get the feeling that I am depressing her. She did not bring her granddaughter this time.

For the first time in months I decide to visit Haymitch. Maybe Sae is right and it will do me some good. In the least someone has to make sure he hasn't drowned himself in liquor or his own vomit. I did not shower today but I doubt Haymitch will notice. He is used to living in filth. Exiting my house I walk two houses over and listen at the door.

I hear the sound of the television blaring some obscure Capitol show but nothing else. Pushing the door open I enter quietly. Haymitch is not in the living room but it is covered in dirty plates and glasses. I turn off the television and hear some quiet snores. Haymitch is in the kitchen passed out at the table. A glass full of clear liquid is still clasped in his hand. I know his knife is in his other hand.

I sit at the table and wait for him to wakeup. I do not wake him using the methods I would have in the past. I have all the time in the world. Haymitch wakes up around midnight with a yawn that reeks of booze. He sees me sitting across from him but does not seem surprised in the least.

"Was wonderin when you would show up," he growls.

"Nice of you to visit," I respond.

He smirks but does not say anything. Haymitch and I have always had a strange relationship. We are a lot alike in some ways. We both appreciate solitude. He takes a swig of liquor from his glass before commenting,

"You look terrible."

"You don't look so great yourself, happy to be back to your liquor I see."

Haymitch gives me a knowing look. He must have realized from my glassy eyes that I've been taking the pills. I look down, for some reason this similarity between us does not sit well with me.

"Saw your boy on TV" he says, and I immediately think he's referring to Peeta. "Some fancy job he has over there in D2."

Now I know he's talking about Gale, I nod but do not show any signs of interest so Haymitch lets it go. For awhile we sit in silence like this, Haymitch drinking and me staring at the table. He asks if I've called my doctor. He knows the answer is no but he does not push it. Now it's well after midnight but Haymitch doesn't sleep much either, so we move over to his couch and watch Capitol programming.

Haymitch gets drunk and starts ranting during a cooking show about the Capitol's citizens and their greed so I take this as my cue to leave. Standing up, I promise Haymitch I'll visit more. He nods but does not respond. We both know that I'm not likely to follow through. I walk over to the front door and Haymitch calls,

"Katniss.."

He looks like he wants to say something but when we make eye contact nothing comes out. He turns back to the television and I walk out closing the door behind me. On the walk home I feel a tired ache in my bones and long for sleep. My medicine is wearing off when I collapse on my bed and bury myself under blankets and pillows.

_I am back in District 13 in the hospital running forward to greet Peeta who has just been rescued. I am running, I am elated, and Peeta is running toward me. I am ready to throw myself in his arms when his arms reach out and his hands wrap around my throat. I feel him strangling me. My air supply is cut off. I am trying to scream but cannot make a sound. No one is helping me and I am dying, dying, dying._

I sit up gasping for air, my mouth still open in a scream. My hands immediately reach for my throat feeling for bruises but there are none. They healed months ago. I am trembling and my voice is hoarse when I break down in sobs. Light is streaming through the blinds covering my window and I know it must be morning but still early since I do not hear Sae in the kitchen.

I allow myself to cry still clutching my neck. I cry for Peeta because of how the Capitol highjacked his memories. I cry for myself because of how the Capitol stole him from me. I cry because things were never the same between us after that incident. Mostly I cry because I am alone. Eventually I pull myself together knowing that my pills will take this all away.

I stumble over to the window and open the blinds, blinking from the brightness of the sun. That's when I see him. He is standing in front of his house across the street from mine. The house that has not been lived in for months. The house that I stare at sometimes to remind myself that the old Peeta is gone. To remind myself that he is just as dark as the windows of his house.

But there he is, and he is looking up at my house. He is looking up at my bedroom window. Peeta is looking at me with hatred in his eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Just Close Your Eyes**

_Authors Note: Thanks to all my readers! I wanted to write something for those who were looking for more at the end of Mockingjay about how Katniss and Peeta ended up back together. Even though I think we can all agree that we love Suzanne Collins and the novels, we were left wanting more. I hope everyone is as excited for the movie as I am!_

**Chapter Two**

I back away from the window and in my haste trip over the corner of my bed. I fall backwards and land hard on my back. I don't notice any pain because I am too busy thinking about the boy across the street. Why is he back? Did District 13 send him here in hopes that he would finish me off? Is this meant to be my final punishment? Even though my life doesn't have much value these days I have always been a fighter and I do not want to die.

I push myself up and slowly make my way back over to the window. He is gone. Most likely he's gone back into his house, but I don't want to take the risk of running into him on the streets. For this reason I exit my house through the back door and stealthily make my way over to Haymitch's house. I don't bother knocking before I swing open the back door with a bang. Haymitch never locks up.

I slam the door shut to announce my arrival and stalk toward the kitchen. In my rush to get over here I've forgotten to take my pills and my emotions are feeling a bit too real. Haymitch is in his usual position asleep at the kitchen table. I fill a bucket with ice cold water and pour it over his head. He jumps up sputtering and swinging his knife around wildly. Soon he spots me and sits back down.

"I see you've discovered District 12's newest resident," he comments before pouring himself a new drink.

"Why didn't you tell me!" I scream. "What's the meaning of this Haymitch? Why is he back here? Is this some elaborate plan to finish me off? A little warning would have been nice!" I am shouting louder now that my rage has reached its boiling point.

"I tried...I mean I was going to tell you last night but..." he pauses and looks me in the eye. I know what he's trying to say. Last night was the first time I'd left my house in months and he didn't want to push me back into hiding. I remember how he had called out to me when I was walking out the door.

"District 13 wouldn't have sent him here if he was still a danger to you" is all he ends up saying. Haymitch is surprisingly lucid this morning. I scoff at this.

"As long as Peeta is still having flashbacks, and as long as he still hates me then he is a danger to me" I retort.

Haymitch stands and comes closer. He looks me in the eye. "You haven't taken your medicine today," he comments.

"No..." I answer, recognizing the panicky feeling starting in my stomach.

"Go home Katniss, take your medicine and get some rest. I'll talk to Peeta, I'll make sure you are safe." Haymitch turns and starts rummaging through his cupboards looking for something to eat.

Even though he is a horrible drunk I trust him. In a way he's become a father figure over the years. He is nothing like my real father but he helped me survive the games and the war. I trust him with my life so I listen to him. I exit out the back the way I came and keep vigilant watch as I make my way back home.

Greasy Sae is in my kitchen starting breakfast when I return. Immediately I spot a loaf of bread on the counter.

"Where did you get that?" I gasp.

"Was here when I got here" she says looking confused. "I thought Peeta made it for you."

My panicky feeling has intensified. I walk over to the loaf of bread and tear it in half. It's the kind with nuts and raisins. The kind that Peeta gave me when I was eleven. The kind that saved my family's life. I stare at the bread in realization. This is no peace offering, if it was he would have made my favourite. This is a message. Peeta is telling me that he can get to me. That I am not safe even in my own house.

I tell Sae that I am not hungry and run upstairs before she can question me. I push open the bathroom door and brace myself against the sink. I gag but nothing comes up. I haven't eaten since dinner last night. I remember Haymitch's advice and suddenly I want nothing more than to suppress my panic and anxiety over Peeta being back.

I grab my pill bottle and take two, gulping down the cold water from the tap. I do not bother with Prim or my mother's rooms this morning, I go straight to my bedroom. It is bare I realize, I have no hair ribbons, no picture frames. All I have is the book my father passed down to me. The book Peeta and I added to before the second games. It brings back painful memories so I leave it on the chair in the corner.

I will myself to walk over to the window and face my fears. Peeta's house is dark and all the curtains are drawn. I have no doubt that he is in there. By now the medicine has kicked in and I am feeling numb. I pull my curtains shut as well and climb into bed. Soon I am asleep.

_Gale is with me in the woods. We are hiding in the brush waiting for bigger game. My bow and arrow are ready. Gale brushes a piece of my hair out of my face. " It will be okay Catnip" he whispers. I have no idea what he's referring to and don't have a chance to respond because wolf mutts from the first games break out of the forest and head straight toward us snarling. I quickly climb a tree and reach to help Gale but it's too late. A large mutt grabs his ankle and clamps its teeth down on it. Gale is yelling as the mutts pull him down and I see them tear into him. And I am screaming, screaming, screaming._

I wake up in a cold sweat, I feel hot. I consider the possibility that I have a fever. I haven't eaten much lately, my immune system must be weak. Sae is downstairs in the kitchen judging from the banging I hear. I stumble to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. My skin is more pale than usual and it makes the bags under my eyes look darker, like some sort of tattoo the Capitol might find trendy.

I splash my face with cold water and gulp some down as well. My stomach makes strange noises. I notice my collar bones are protruding and know Sae is right, I need to put on weight. I make my way downstairs to the kitchen. Haymitch is sitting at my kitchen table finishing off the loaf of bread from this morning. I'm glad, I have no interest in eating it. He gives me a once over and reaches a hand out placing it over my forehead.

"Fever," he says to Sae. "Thought you were supposed to be looking after this one."

"She makes it difficult" Sae replies in defense. They talk like I am not standing in front of them but I do not care. Sae ushers me back upstairs and starts the shower. She undresses me and makes disapproving noises at the bones poking out from under my skin. She shoves me under the shower water and I do not protest. The cold feels good on my flaming skin.

She is gentle in washing my hair and face. Then hands me a towel. We do not speak. After, she hands me clean clothes. A grey long sleeved shirt and loose black pants. I put them on and rebraid my hair. Then we go back down to the kitchen where Haymitch is still sitting. By now the bread is gone and he is back to drinking liquor.

Sae puts some stew in front of me and I begin to eat slowly. She leaves the room to call my mother for advice about how to treat my fever, and I am left alone with Haymitch.

"Peeta was in my house," is all I say.

"Well he has a key," Haymitch replies. "You both have keys to each other's houses."

I forgot. I rarely use my own key. I have nothing of value to guard and the people that have returned to the district don't spend their time in Victor's Village. Haymitch doesn't wait for me to ask if he talked to Peeta he jumps right in, "He is still confused over a lot of events... He still has flashbacks. I'll work with him, just stay away for awhile...He's angry."

So Haymitch thinks Peeta is a danger to me too. I do not ask about the bread, I stay quiet. If I am honest with myself I am scared of Peeta. He used to be gentle and kind but who knows what kind of person the Capitol has morphed him into. Haymitch doesn't have to worry about me staying away from Peeta. Before we can say anything else Sae comes back into the kitchen and looks put out.

My mother's advice was helpful but here in District 12 we are low on medical supplies. We don't have doctors or a proper hospital because one hasn't been built yet. The only thing I can do is sleep with a cool cloth on my forehead and hope my fever breaks by morning. Haymitch offers to stay with me. It takes awhile but Sae agrees, only because I insist on it.

Haymitch and I settle on the couch with me curled in a ball on the right and him slouched in a sitting position on the left. He goes nowhere without his drink so it's clasped tightly in his hand. We turn on the television and prepare for a long night. We watch a stylist competition and I think about Cinna. He would have swept the floor with all these contestants.

I do not cry, my medicine prevents this, but it seems to be reacting strangely with the fever. Soon I am shivering and when Haymitch hears my teeth chattering he reaches over and feels my forehead again. He doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to worry me but I can tell by the crinkle between his eyes that my fever is worse. He grabs a new cloth and runs cold water over it and places it over my forehead. Sometime in the next hour I stare over at the television and Prim appears beside it.

"Prim...Prim..." I begin mumbling.

Haymitch thinks I am dreaming but then he sees my eyes are open. He makes me drink a glass of cold water and Prim disappears. By now my medicine is wearing off and I can feel again. Tears slip from the corners of my eyes and this is when Haymitch decides to get my sleeping medication. I don't want to take those pills but Haymitch insists, so I do.

Sleep overtakes me but there is no relief. My fever has made my nightmares worse and I dream horrible things about every person I've ever known. I dream about the Capitol torturing them with every method I've heard of and some my mind invents. I want to end it all so I reach in my uniform pocket for the nightlock pill but it is not there. I will never feel relief.

In the morning I am alone on the couch. I feel my forehead and it is cool. Haymitch must have left when he realized the fever broke. He probably needed sleep from staying up with me all night. I feel different this morning and I am sick of Sae's mystery meat stew. I decide that I am going to hunt. For the first time in months I am going to venture into the forest and bring back some game. Sae deserves a real meal, and so does Haymitch.

I do not take my pills, I need to be alert and I cannot afford to have a hazy mind in the woods. It is still early when I pull on my green t-shirt and father's hunting jacket. I lace up my brown boots over my black pants. My bows and arrows are all still hidden in the forest where I left them before the second games and I will find them there.

Because it is still dark, I exit my house from the front door. I quietly close the door and am about to set off in a jog when I notice Peeta's bedroom light is on. The curtains are still pulled shut but I see his shadow behind them. He is pacing. Before he has a chance to look out and spot me I am gone. I am jogging through the square near where my old house used to be. I am near the fence and I know that electricity no longer runs through it at any hour of the day. I slide through the opening.

I am running across the meadow and into the trees. I stop at a hollow log and reach inside. I pull out my favourite bow and some arrows. I examine them, they are unharmed even after all this time. I quietly make my way to the place where I used to meet Gale. If I breathe quietly enough it feels as if it could be just another Sunday morning that I am meeting up with my friend.

I reach the small clearing and breathe deeply. The forest smells of trees and wildlife. I am home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Just Close Your Eyes**

**Chapter Three**

After a couple hours I've managed to kill three rabbits. At first my aim was off, but after a few missed shots my skill returned. All three rabbits I shot through the eye, the way Peeta's father had liked them. I quickly push this thought from my mind to focus instead on the lake. I haven't visited since my return to District 12 and my hope is that it remains untouched by the war. I don't question if this is too much to wish for before I start hiking towards it. When I finally reach the lake I am pleased to see it is undamaged. The same is true of the cabin and for awhile I let myself be transported back in time.

Shedding my clothes and jumping into the lake I swim freely, and later while floating on the surface I stare up at the sky and wonder how long I've been gone. I decide that I don't care if Sae is worried. I am allowing myself this small moment of happiness. When I finally dry off, I clean the rabbits in the cabin so Sae doesn't have to do it. By now it's mid morning and heavy grey clouds are rolling over the sky, time to head back.

I take a different path back through the forest, carrying my bow and the rabbit meat. I feel refreshed and allow myself a small smile, but when I come across some snares the feeling fades. Slowly I walk over and examine them. Gale's snares. I can tell because he was always much better at setting them than I was, even after the games. In all my excitement at the lake I forgot about the painful memories. Gale, he never even said goodbye.

If he was here would I still be hunting with him in the forest? Or would the sight of him only remind me of Prim's death? I don't know. I do know that there would never have been anything romantic between us after his betrayal. I hope Gale has found someone else to love in District 2. He deserves the happiness that I could never give him. But I still wonder if he thinks of me. Does he know I'm all alone and does he care?

My hand roughly swipes at the tears that have escaped my eyes. It was foolish of me to think I didn't need to take my medicine today. I backtrack through the forest leaving the snares behind and head back to the meadow the way I came. When I reach the edge I take off in a run. I'm desperate to get home to take my pills, but my foot catches in a rut and I stumble forward. Panting, I'm about to push myself off my knees when I notice a small dandelion growing out of the dirt beside my right hand.

One blade of grass over and I would have crushed it. Looking around, I see I'm in the middle of a small dandelion patch. My tears fall freely now. I never used to cry, I wouldn't let anyone see me weak. But the war has changed me too. I lay down on my back in the dandelion patch and pluck the small dandelion from the ground to cradle in my hand. Soon I can't tell if my face is wet from my tears or the rain that's started to fall. I only wanted to rest here for a moment but now I cannot move.

It's like my first week back in District 12 all over again, when I didn't leave my bed for a week. It starts raining harder, and the clouds are dark, almost black. I'm soaked, and going through withdrawals from my medicine. I shiver uncontrollably and my empty stomach reminds me of the days when food was scarce. Would it be so bad to die in the meadow surrounded by nature?

Thunder and lightning roll across the sky reminding me of the second games, and soon I am back in them, laying in the forest, a few feet away from Beetee. The hallucination is so real that I reach for an arrow but I'm too weak. Dizziness has set in and I want to vomit but I'm paralyzed. Soon everything is blurry and my breathing becomes shallow. When my head lolls to one side I feel the earth turning to mud underneath my body. I wish it would swallow me up, and bring me to rest under the ground with those who died.

I fight to keep my eyes open because sometime during my hallucination a dark shadow has come to stand above me. I don't beg for my life. I'm done fighting. I want it to kill me. But the shadow doesn't move, and I wonder if this is just the beginning of another nightmare. The shadow continues to stand over me, until a small whimper escapes my throat. Then I am being lifted out of the mud, and out of death's grasp.

_Haymitch has been thrown into the quarter quell with me instead of Peeta and we are fighting for our lives. We are running in the blood rain when Haymitch knocks me to the ground and sits on top of me. I try to fight him off but he morphs into Clove. She stares down at me with a sadistic smile, happy to get a second chance at carving me up. She opens her jacket and takes out the sharpest looking knife. This time she wastes no time with conversation before plunging it into my abdomen. I am screaming and thrashing around and she is stabbing me, again, again, again._

I gasp and sit up trying to catch my breath. I am back in my house, in my bed, and covered in dried mud. Still reeling from my nightmare but conscious enough to know I shouldn't be here, my head swings wildly from side to side. That's when I see him sitting in the chair in the corner of my room holding my father's plant book, watching me.

"About time you woke up," he says. "You were screaming forever." He surveys me with narrowed eyes, as if he is unsure what to think. There's a coldness to him that I don't recognize.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I whisper, almost too scared to respond.

Peeta rises up from the chair then drops the plant book where he was sitting. I shrink back under my blankets at the loud noise it makes. He comes closer to the bed and drops a small tattered and muddy dandelion in front of me.

"Because I don't care Katniss," he responds coolly, while glaring at me. "And if you're going to kill yourself do a better job." As justification he later adds, "Haymitch would have murdered me if I left you out there."

And then he is gone. I hear my front door slam behind him and only then do I pick up the muddy dandelion. More than half the petals are missing, and the remaining ones are stained brown. My symbol of rebirth has been destroyed by my own hands. Peeta has been destroyed by my own hands. Haymitch told me to stay away from Peeta but now I owe him, and I hate owing people.

Extracting myself from the bed I enter the bathroom and down two pills before taking a long shower. I scrub the dirt from my body while my mind is occupied by thoughts of debt. I hope Haymitch doesn't find out about this morning. He would insist Sae watch me more closely and she is just beginning to relax around me. Peeta left my rabbits in the kitchen, so later in the evening when I come down for dinner Sae is beaming at me from her place at the stove. She is stirring a simmering pot I know must contain the rabbits, and for once it smells good.

The stew reminds me of the one my mother used to make with the rabbits I brought home. I finally eat a hearty meal which seems to please Sae so she leaves right after dinner. She shoots me a small smile and I'm glad she doesn't know about this morning. She thinks I'm getting better. But what she doesn't understand is that I'll never get better. I am broken.

After I settle in front of the television for the night, I remember I wanted to give a rabbit to Haymitch but stew will have to do. I heat some up over the stove and place it in a bowl to bring over. It's dark out now and Haymitch will just be waking up. I open the front door and can't help but look up at Peeta's house. The curtains are drawn as usual and I do not want to think about how I will ever repay him so I force myself to walk.

I was right, Haymitch is pouring himself a new drink when I enter his kitchen. He seems happy enough when I present him with the stew and makes no mention of my near death experience in the meadow so I assume Peeta didn't tell him. In a couple hours Haymitch is snoring in front of the fireplace, whether it be from a good meal or the fire I have no idea. Perhaps he suffers from nightmares like me. Studying Haymitch's face while he is asleep has shown me another side of him. I'm convinced that the only time our faces resemble our old selves is when we are sleeping.

His drink dangles dangerously from his hand so I place it on the coffee table before excusing myself. It's colder at night but I enjoy being out of the house and breathing in fresh air. Stopping at my front door I notice the light in Peeta's bedroom is on and his shadow is pacing behind the thin curtain. I cannot turn away so I sit down on my front steps to watch. I am so close and yet so far from the boy I used to know.

Abruptly Peeta stops pacing and grabs his head, letting out a string of curse words that I can hear from the street. He grabs a lamp to throw, but before it has time to smash, I am across the street, pushing open his front door, and racing up the stairs to his bedroom. When I reach the door my eyes immediately fall to the shards of broken lamp.

"Peeta.." I whisper, moving towards him. I don't notice the cloudy look in his eyes when I reach out to touch his cheek. Before I come close, Peeta lunges forward, knocking me to the floor and pinning my body with his. He holds my arms above my head so I can't defend myself.

"You're nothing but a mutt Katniss!" he spits in my face. "And I will kill you. When Haymitch least expects it, I'll be there." His grip on my wrists is so tight I can feel the bruises forming. I can't breathe right but I know I won't cry because of my pills. He moves to hold both my wrists in one hand and brings the other to my neck. His fingers feel familiar there and bring back the memory of him trying to strangle me in District 13.

"Not real Peeta," I whisper, trying to catch his eye. "Not real, not real, not real." I keep repeating this with desperation. The cloudy look in his eyes is replaced by a confused one now. Still his fingers do not move from my neck, in fact they tighten their grip so I cannot speak at all. Then just as fast as all this happened, Peeta has jumped off me and is across the room.

"LEAVE!" he yells, "LEAVE NOW!"

I am on my feet and sprinting down his stairs and out the front door leaving it open behind me. I push through my front door and lock it. Then race upstairs to the closet in my bedroom and curl myself up in a ball on the floor. I haven't sought out small cramped hiding places since District 13. This would be considered a setback in Dr. Aurelius's official opinion but I don't care. I need to feel safe, so I close the closet door and welcome the dark.

I spend the night in the closet, dozing off now and then only to be disturbed by my nightmares. Every time I close my eyes I feel Peeta's fingers on my neck and soon my dream world and reality are blurred. When I see light creeping under the door I leave and shuffle tiredly to the bathroom. Every noise has me on edge. Starring at myself in the mirror I notice my face doesn't look as hollow. The bags under my eyes are still there, but my hair is growing longer. I pop my pills and examine my neck. No bruises.

My wrists are covered in them so I decide on a long sleeve shirt. If Peeta didn't tell anyone about my incident in the meadow then I will make sure that no one finds out about his flashback. I pull on my pants and hear Sae banging around in the kitchen so I make my way down to breakfast with her. Despite the smile she gave me last night, breakfast is a silent affair. I am thankful because it gives me time to think.

Last night revealed a lot. Peeta doesn't really want to kill me. He is only really dangerous when he is having a flashback. He still hates me but not enough to hurt me physically. This will make keeping an eye on him a lot easier. This will make repaying my debt a lot easier. What Haymitch doesn't know won't hurt him. And what he doesn't know is that I'm not planning on staying away from Peeta Mellark. I am planning on staying very close.


	4. Chapter 4

**Just Close Your Eyes**

_Author's Note: Sorry everyone for my lack of updates, I've been reading a lot of fanfiction and you know how that is ;) I just wanted to say thanks for reading, I did not expect so many people to be interested in my writing but I'm happy with the response. I'm working on more chapters and will continue to update but I would appreciate more reviews if you are enjoying the story so far. Thanks! P.S the movie is soooo soon! _

**Chapter Four**

Already a week has gone by since Peeta's flashback. At first when I began watching him it was from afar to determine his day to day patterns. I learned that each morning he leaves his house and walks into town, somewhere I have not yet brought myself to visit. He returns around dinner time and doesn't leave his house again until morning. I was surprised to discover that Haymitch often joins him for dinner, most likely keeping an eye on him like he promised. I think about Peeta's family bakery burned to the ground and the hurt he must have felt when he found the remains.

Today I am feeling especially brave, so when I see Peeta exit his house at dawn, I creep down my stairs and out my front door determined to follow. Tracking him is not unlike hunting prey in the woods. I am careful not to be seen or heard, staying in shadows. Listening to Peeta's loud shuffle reminds me of the games when he tried to help me hunt. I don't allow myself a smile. I stay behind buildings and crouch along in alleys, whereas he takes the road. When I come to the familiar opening in the electric fence I stop. I stare out at the meadow, at the little yellow dots hovering over the grass. Was it only a week ago that Peeta found me out there?

I went back to taking my pills immediately after, scared of what I'd almost let happen. Because of the pills I can stare off into the forest beyond the meadow without thoughts of Gale or my father overtaking my emotions. Before I realize it I am ducking under the fence, unconsciously drawn to the forest, but then I remember what I was doing. Coming back to reality I take off in a jog after Peeta, coming to a stop behind a newly erected building to peek out from behind.

Peeta is shuffling across the town square. More people have returned to District 12 than I imagined and the rebuild is well under way. Many people are carrying tools and lumber around the square working together to rebuild their homes and shops. But I am drawn to what has been erected in the center of the square. Before I step out from the shadows I look around. Peeta has disappeared. So much for my tracking skills. I am too easily distracted by the new territory.

My eyes wander back to the center of the square and my feet carry me towards the monument. As I edge closer I see water flowing down the sides from a small cup into a larger basin at the bottom. It's a fountain I realize, having seen many more elaborate than this in the Capitol. Stopping in front I reach out to feel the flow of water. I run my hand through the stream and notice some words are engraved in the stone. I'm trying to make out what it says when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Katniss..." a voice whispers softly as not to startle me.

I allow my hand to drop from the stream and I turn. It's Greasy Sae looking at me with concern in her eyes.

"Do you like the fountain?" She asks quietly. "Peeta designed it for the district... so everyone will remember the games and the tributes that died."

Peeta designed this? I think back, when did he do this? All those nights he was holed up in his house? Why did he do this? This seems like something the old Peeta would do. Sea can see the wheels turning in my head and gives me a shake trying to bring me back. I focus on her face and become aware of my surroundings. Suddenly everything is too quiet, the hustle and bustle in the square is gone.

Everyone's eyes are on me. They have all stopped what they were doing, perhaps in surprise at my appearance in town. The pills are working hard to suppress the panicky feeling but I can feel it starting in my stomach and rising. Then I see Peeta standing there also staring at me and I can't read the look in his eyes when they shift to the fountain then back to me, so I turn on my heel and start pushing through the crowd.

They let me pass and I jog back to Victor's Village and don't stop until I'm inside my house. My mind won't stop going over everything that happened in town. The fact that Peeta saw me also registers, but is the least of my concerns right now. I decide I want to be able to feel what is happening around me. I can't stay numb forever and do not want to end up like Haymitch. Sooner or later I will have to face my new life. District 12 is moving on around me and I am staying stuck.

Now in the bathroom I take my pills and flush them down the toilet. I'm done numbing my pain. I have to be stronger. I have to move on. If anything, the fountain in the square has made me realize I am alive, and that is saying more than all the tributes that came before me. I am determined. I will return to living my life and I will bring Peeta back as well.

Later, Haymitch accompanies Sae to my house for dinner. I can tell she has told him about today in the square. He does not show concern but the fact that he's here and not with Peeta proves he does care. As Sae heats up dinner Haymitch brings me into the living room to talk. He turns on the television to muffle the sound of our voices. I don't think he's discovered I've been trailing Peeta because he doesn't seem angry.

"Heard you went into town today" he starts off, "saw the fountain?"

"Yes," I answer. And before he can ask me anything else I tell him, "I flushed my pills."

He stares at me for a full minute then responds, "Alright."

He does not ask for an explanation and I am grateful. He also doesn't ask me anything else about being in town. Haymitch understands me in a way that no one else does. He knows that whatever happened today in town at the fountain has made me decide to stop taking my pills. I think he is secretly relieved because we are so much alike, and he doesn't want to see me succumb to my vice like he has. We relax into the couch until Sae calls us to dinner and do not speak again until he is leaving.

He waits until Sae is out the door before mentioning, "the boy is rebuilding the bakery."

I nod and I don't know if he catches it but he does because then he leaves. I wonder how I didn't notice the bakery today or piece together why Peeta would be going into town every day. Then a new thought scares me. Peeta is rebuilding his life, what if he doesn't want me to bring him back? What if he is content going on without me?

I am selfish and push these thoughts to the back of my mind, and when I enter my bedroom for the night I stop at my window to stare at his window across the street. The light is on and Peeta is pacing as usual. No, I rationalize, he can't live like this. Then I crawl into bed ready to rise early and follow Peeta into town again. And this time I will make it to the bakery.

Morning comes quickly and dew is still on the grass when I duck behind an old building and listen to Peeta shuffle on ahead. When the noise stops I reappear to venture further. The town is busy again this morning but I keep to myself and walk in between buildings to avoid the attention I received yesterday.

Peeta disappears into the bakery and I am amazed by how much has been rebuilt already. The layout is the same as his parent's bakery but I can see Peeta's touch in the changes. The bold lettering across the front of the shop reads Bakery in red script. I imagine it to be Peeta's writing and that he himself has painted it. Cakes already line the front window, and I conclude that he's been busy.

A familiar laugh rings out in the din behind me and I am startled. It can't be him though because he no longer lives here. I turn, still in shadow and spot his messy brown hair, grown back since our time in District 13. Gale is laughing with Sae and has two dead rabbits slung over his shoulder. He's gone hunting, he's gone to our spot, without me. Before I can stop myself I step away from the building and into the light not sure what my next move is.

"Following me again?"

I spin around and find myself face to face with an angry looking Peeta. I gulp and look down, unsure of what to say. I feel my cheeks redden. Clearly he knows I've been tracking him and I am ashamed I wasn't more secretive.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone, I don't want anything to do with you!" he shouts the last word, anger evident even in his body language. He raises a hand and I flinch but he only brushes his hair off his forehead. He looks over my shoulder and realizes what I was staring at when he came up behind me.

"Well looks like your boyfriend's back, I'll tell Haymitch you have a new bodyguard so he can stop looking after you. I'm sure everyone is tired of watching the Mockingjay, making sure she doesn't off herself. Or that I don't do it for her."

He leans closer and spits these words with venom. He acts as if I knew about Gale's return, as if I asked him to come here myself. I try to defend myself,

"I didn't know he was coming!" I yell.

Peeta stares at me, unsure what to believe and shakes his head. I wonder why he cares, one minute ago he wanted to rip my head off for following him into town. He should be happy Gale has returned to take me off his hands. But his facial expression says otherwise. He doesn't say anything but looks over my shoulder again, his eyes darkening.

I look too and notice why. Gale is staring back at Peeta with an equally dark expression. Peeta breaks eye contact first and turns back to the new bakery, entering and slamming the door so that dust falls from the roof. When I turn around Gale is gone as well. Now that Peeta knows I've been following him I decide there's nothing I can do, so I visit Haymitch.

This is becoming routine, Haymitch keeping things from me, important things, things concerning me. Maybe this is his way of making sure I come to see him, either way I do not appreciate it. I wake him with the cold water and take pleasure in his annoyance.

"Why is he here?" I question. As I suspected Haymitch knows who I'm talking about.

"No Idea," he mutters, wiping water from his face. "I expect he's here to see you. Didn't even hear he was coming, I saw him in town last night."

"He didn't speak to you?"

"No."

Haymitch grumbles about hunger and finds some stale bread. He offers me some and we eat in silence. It's still early in the day so Haymitch isn't entirely wasted yet but he doesn't say much. Something is bothering him.

"You think he's here for me?"

"Yes." Haymitch answers. He doesn't approve, maybe he still has a soft spot for Peeta. Haymitch doesn't tell me what to do about Gale though. I haven't had time to process my feelings yet. Just last week I was wondering if Gale knew of my loneliness or cared but did I not make it clear that I could never return his feelings when I left District 13?

I know Haymitch doesn't have the answers I need so I leave, making note of his lack of food by asking him to dinner which he agrees to. It's mid afternoon when I walk home, and people are still in town rebuilding. I think about starting to hunt again now that I am doing better. Peeta is right, Sae and Haymitch can't keep looking after me, I should learn to cook.

I'm mentally listing all the ingredients in Sae's rabbit stew when I walk past my living room and into the kitchen. Something is out of place, there's a familiar scent in my house, and I feel another presence. I slowly backtrack to the living room and see him. Gale is sitting on the couch, arms crossed, watching me with an amused expression.

"Hello Catnip," he whispers.

I am stunned, seeing him up close is much different than seeing him from a distance under the blinding sun in town. I'm still taking him in when he rises from the couch and walks over to me. He stands in front of me and stares down. My feelings are conflicted and he must see it in my eyes but that doesn't stop him from putting his hand under my chin and gently tilting my head up to brush his lips against mine.


End file.
